Gratitude Attitude

Showing gratitude at home AND at work, is a superpower.

With a glass of wine in hand …

After ‘witching hour’ last Friday, the kids were in bed and my husband and I sat exhaustedly at the kitchen table, determined to play cards instead of slumping on the couch, as per. With a glass of dessert wine in hand (Friday is ‘Pudding Day’ in our house, so it was the dregs from dinner) we toasted one another. He, to congratulate me on having “arrived” at my version of success (in ‘Success wears many hats’) and thank me for first-rate ‘mumming’ at bedtime. And me, to applaud him on pulling another great quarter out of the bag at work, and thank him for working his (very small) arse off to doubly support our family whilst I’m on maternity leave.

A half-arsed game of cribbage later, we decided to just sit. It required less brain power.

Whilst we’re too ‘past it’ to drink shots like we did in the days before greys, we do have one solitary shot glass in the cupboard. A rather ornate Game of Thrones number, with a dire wolf on it. The perfect little vessel from which to sip dark rum. We selected our ‘top 3’ from a neglected rum-rack, (a shelf exclusively reserved for our favourite tipple) and like a pair of wannabe rummeliers, we cluelessly critiqued. How very mature of us.

And then, like true warents, we got to chatting about work, our children … and gratitude.

The next round is on me

Did you know that gratitude is a tonic? (A medicine, not a gin mixer). I’d like to say that I’m stating the obvious, but some people really miss the point when it comes to saying thank you. It’s not lip service, it’s a smoking hot life-hack. A super power!

“Showing gratitude is a requisite for any good relationship; love, family, friends, work, you name it. When we feel appreciated, we’re STRONG”

I’m talking Clark Kent to Superman, Bruce Wayne to Batman, Tony Stark to Iron Man, and Diana Prince to Wonder Woman. Had to Google that last one due to a sorry lack of female superheroes.

(Wait a second. Did you just hear something? … The faint sound of a can of worms being opened)

When people recognise and appreciate us, we feel valued and validated. And we return the favour by giving more of ourselves and working even harder to please. Figuratively speaking, we buy the next round of drinks. We’re also psychologically safer and statistically happier. I’m here for that! To top it off, gratitude is gratifying. Happiness is contagious. It’s spreads faster than a common cold at a kid’s birthday party.

I happen to work in the unique world of ‘strategic recognition’ so I’ve seen A LOT of data on this. It’s science. Companies that allow employees to recognise and reward each other, have higher productivity, lower employee turnover and improved business revenue. Cha-ching!

But what if you don’t give credit where credit is due? In life, I mean. Buckle up folks; I have a modern-day fairy tale for you. And by fairy, I’m referring to the coveted ‘Laundry Fairy’.

A (laundry) fairy tale

Once upon a time, a weary and (wonderfully) wilful woman had just washed, dried and folded a HUGE mountain of clothes. It was piled so high that the skeletons of intrepid explorers could have been buried in the snow up there. In a dreamlike state, the woman’s husband barely noticed the generous gift she had bestowed upon him, for he believed with every fibre of his being, in the Laundry Fairy.

And so, with quiet modesty, his good-hearted wife gave mention to her great deed. But alas, he still didn’t thank her.

Legend has it, that with foolish indifference, he replied “I don’t really appreciate it when you do laundry for me. It’s just what couples do”.

Can you guess who washes his own clothes now?

THE END (based on a true story).

A legitimate response to feeling under appreciated? Yes. Petty? Oh, absolutely.

The helium to each other’s balloons

Jokes aside, during our warenting chit-chat (with a gratitude chaser), I acknowledged something. Not a groundbreaking revelation, but a heartfelt realisation – I don’t praise my husband enough. I know that he thrives on positive affirmation, yet I hold back sometimes. Somewhat selfishly, I bite my tongue because inexplicably, it feels like elevating him might diminish me. Like an emotional seesaw; if I put my full weight into lifting him up, I’ll end up sitting on the floor. We both nodded. As it turns out, he feels the same sometimes.

For me, thanking him for breadwinning whilst I’m on maternity leave, wrongly feels like a guilty admission. I’m not paying my half right now and that’s a gender stereotype that I have always struggled with. For him, thanking me for ‘baby management’ and the fact that the little’un is so reliant on me at the moment, wrongly makes him feel like a lesser parent. What a drag!

So, why the befuddled feelings when it comes to showing appreciation? I’ve experienced it time and time again. People so often take each other for granted, or deliberately dilute their gratitude. It’s the emotional equivalent of a wayward teenager replacing half a bottle of their parent’s vodka with water.

In reality, our relationship, ANY relationship, and most certainly a parenting partnership, isn’t a seesaw. Our roles are utterly dependant on the other, and equally as important. We’re the ladder to each other’s tree house, the colourful little bricks to each other’s LEGO tower, the helium to each other’s balloons. When one goes up, so does the other.

A glass full of gratitude

For the last 4 years, we have kept a ‘gratitude jar’ at home. When we feel truly grateful for something, we jot it down on a post-it note, and in it goes. On New Year’s Eve, we pop the lid whilst popping a cork, and read our gratitude notes aloud. It’s our treasure chest of past positivity. Draped in golden moments, we tip our hats to the year we leave behind. It’s wonderful.

But, annual appreciation only fills our ‘gratitude glass’ in the short term. As we drink it in, we also drink it up. If we wait another year before we wet our wellness whistle again, are we left with a glass half full or a glass half empty?

“So, I’m on a merry mission to thank my family, for all things great and small, at least once a week; every day if I’m able. And make our Friday toast, a weekly tradition. Pudding Day will become ‘Pudding & Praise Day’”

As a bonafide British introvert, it’ll feel cheesy and a little embarrassing, in the moment. But fear not, I’ll be sure to invite my self-preserving sarcasm and true ‘Britrovert’ self to the praise party.

I could thank my husband for being the best parenting teammate I could ever ask for. (Or, for not ‘accidentally on purpose’ ramming the Dyson into my legs during his constant vacuuming crusade).

I could thank my eldest for cuddles that make my heart burst with love. (Or, for brushing her teeth without screaming blue murder and telling me that I’m not her best friend).

I could thank my youngest for perfect, gummy smiles and being a ray of sunshine, even on the rainiest of days. (Or, for not ‘punking’ me – when she stealthily pukes on my shoulder).

You get the gist. I want them to feel appreciated and strong! Because they are. The truth is, they’re my very own superheroes.

Dutch courage

One person’s success should never feel like another person’s failure. It’s absurd, really. I don’t profess to understand the psychology behind it, but what I do know, is that whether a lack of appreciation is rooted in insecurity or ignorance, we stand to gain nothing. If we under-value others, we perpetuate this vicious circle of deprecation.

“Metaphorically, if we all had a little Dutch courage when it came to expressing thanks, we’d have a virtuous circle of appreciation instead. I’d raise a glass to that!”

So please, whether you have hang-ups or a hangover, let our cups runneth over with a gratitude attitude.